So guys im gonna make you laugh and giggle with all my jokes!!!
BLONDE JOKES
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closetfloor.You rotten bastard, "says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!
Two blondes were on their way to Disneyland, when one of the blondes read the sign, "Disneyland left". So they went home...
A guy decides to bring his new blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game.
She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don't understand."
"What did you not understand ?"
And the blonde says: "Well, at the begginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it's just a quarter!"
There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.
If you told a lie it would suck you in.
One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.
The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.
Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.
A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.
For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.
When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"
Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.
Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"
Amazed, the blonde was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly--tools in the right
place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again.
"There are no fish under the ice!!"
Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that You, Lord?"
The voice boomed back, "NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him!"
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about how much I spent on it."
"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket? What did you need an airplane ticket for?"
"Well mother, when I went to cook it, I read the directions on the back and they said, "PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE," so I had to fly Alaska.
A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail when they decided to break out. The girls broke out and the brunette said,
"Let's hide in that barn, they'll never find us."
So they climed up the ladder and then the blonde threw it down.
The next morning, the cops said, "Come out with your hands in the air!"
The red-head said, "Hide in those baskets, they'll never find us!"
So the Brunette got in the first one, the red-head got in the second one and the blonde got in the third one. Meanwhile, the cops were getting a ladder set up and trying to get up there. Once they got up, the seargent ordered them to kick the baskets.
So the cop kicked the first one: "RUFF."
"It's just a damn dog!" yelled the cop.
The cop kicked the next one: "MEOW."
"It's just a damn cat," yelled the cop.
The cop kicked the next basket and the blonde yelled, "POTATOES!
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way.
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?" "Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!
What a year!!
This fat guy sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They strip him and lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute. He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a gorgeous blonde, stark naked, with a sign saying
"If you catch me, I'm yours."
He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.
He's back on the street and starts to think.
"Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..."
So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg."
"No problem," says the manager.
Again he strips, and is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a gorilla with a sign
"If I catch you, you're mine."
A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?"
Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"
Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
A blonde and brunette are walking along and the brunette turns to the blonde and said 'my husband had really bad dandruff, so I gave him head and shoulders.' then the blonde says 'how do you give shoulders?
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.
The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it........
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."
"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...
No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."
(ringing)
Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.
The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.
There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."
Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"
Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."
Barbara: "You think?"
Maggie: "I'm sure."
Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)
Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."
Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
(clapping)
That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and the tuth fairy were walking down the street. There was a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Who picked it up?
The dumb blonde, the other two dont exist.
تجميعات لكل الفوازير الرخمة علشان نخ لص (only for people that can read and understand the title(sorry other people that cant read or understand it!))
ليه ابوتريكة بيلبس فانلة 22 ؟
عشان 21 ضيقة عليه
طب ليه مبيلبسش 23 ؟
عشان فلافيو بيلبس 23
طب ايه هو الحيوان التعيس؟
القطة
ليه؟
عشان ديما تخربش ومتكسبش
طب ايه الحيوان اللي دايما مشغول؟
الخرتيت .. تيت .. تيت
طب ايه الحيوان اللي بياكل ويشرب بديله؟
كل الحيوانات بتاكل وتشرب بدلها .. عمرك شفت حيوان ساب ديلو وراح ياكل؟
طب ايه اقدم حيوان؟
الحمار الوحشي .. عشان ابيض واسود
طب ايه هو اجدد حيوان؟
القنفد .. ليه ؟
عشان بشوكه..والكنغر علشان بكيسه
طب ليه التلاجة غبية؟
عشان بتحفظ الاكل .. مبتفهموش
ماهي قمة الحيرة؟
يقال لك اجلس في ركن غرفة مستديرة
ماهو قمة الذكاء؟
ان تجد ركن للغرفة
ماهو قمة الالم؟
التزحلق على زحلاقة مغطاة بشفرات حلاقة وشظايا الزجاج
ماهي قمة العذاب؟
السقوط بعد ذلك في حوض بة كولونيا
ليه الهرم فيه حتة حديدة من فوق؟
عشان يتشال منها وينضفوا تحتيه
طب ازاي تعرف البواب الصعيدي؟
بينضف الاسانسير في كل دور
ايه الشبه بين الجرنان والشمس ؟؟
الاتنين بيطلعوا الصبح
ايه الشبه بين التفاح والكمثرى ؟؟
الاتنين مش جوافة
ايه الشبه بين الصعيدي الذكي وسوبر مان ؟؟
الاتنين خيال علمي
ايه الفرق بين الصحراء وايام الاسبوع وموس لورد ؟؟
الصحراء مفيهاش حد ايام الاسبوع فيها حد موس لورد فيه حدين
واحد وقع من الدور التاسع
لقى ايه؟؟
لقى مصرعه
ليه الارنب مبيعديش من قدام القهوة ؟؟
بيخاف من السحلب المكار
دكتور اسنان ارتكب جريمة يسجنوه فين ؟؟
في سجنال تو
ليه نابليون كان بيقعد قدام التلاجة ؟؟
عشان يستنى حملة فريزر
ايه هي قمة الادب ؟؟
انك تخبط على التلاجة قبل متفتحها
ايه هي قمة الصبر ؟؟
انك تستنى حد يفتحلك
ايه هي قمة الدهشة ؟؟
حد يفتحلك فعلا
إيه وجه الشبه بين الحلاق وجورباتشوف ؟
الإتنين بيتعاملوا مع
الروس
إيه وجه الشبه بين القمر وصينية البطاطس ؟
الإتنين ميتعملوش عصير مانجو
إيه العلاقة بين الكمبيوتر والحفرة ؟
الكمبيوترحاسب آلى أما الحفرة حاسب لتقع
ليه الأرجنتين مش بيزرعوا تين ؟
لأنها من الدول اللا....تينية
إية الفرق بين الزيتون والليمون ؟؟
التانى بيتعمل لاموناته والأول ما بيتعملش زاتوناتة
إية الفرق بين الزمالك وا لشـامبو البرت بلص؟؟
البرت بلاس 2 فى 1 لكن الزمالك 2 فى عبد الواحد
واحد بيحدف زلطة على بيت ازاز والبيت محصلوش حاجة ليه؟
عشان الزلطة مجتش فيه
طب كتكوت بيعدي الشارع و فجأة مات .. ليه؟
الزلطة جت فيه
حاجه طايراه فى السما وبتقول نياو ايه هى؟؟؟
قطه بيضاء مضروبه بالشلوت
طب حاجه سوده طايره فى السما وبتقول نياو ايه هى؟؟؟
غراب بيستهبل
طب حاجه بنى طايراه فى السما وما بتقولش حاجه ايه هى؟؟؟
فرده الجزمه بتاعه الراجل الى ضرب القطه البيضاء
طب حاجه سوده طايراه فى السما وما بتقولش حاجه ايه هى؟؟؟
غراب عاقل وما بيحبش يستهبل
حاجه زرقاء طايره فى السما ايه هى؟؟؟
ذبابه لابسه بنطلون جينز ازرق
طب حاجه سوده وفيها خط احمر وطايراه فى السما من الشرق للغرب ايه هى؟؟؟
ذبابه لابسه فستان سواريه وحاطه روج ورايحه فرح واحده صاحبتها
طب حاجه سوده وفيها خط احور وطايراه فى السما من الغرب للشرق ايه هى؟؟؟
نفس الذبابه نسيت حاجه فى البيت فرجعن تجيبها
حاجه سوده ماشيه فى الصحراء ايه هى؟؟؟
سرب نمل رايح يعزى
نقطه سوده على الحيطه ايه هى؟؟؟
ذبابة
طب نقطتين سود على الحيطه تبقى ايه؟؟؟
فيشه
طب 3 نقط سود على الحيطه تبقى ايه؟؟؟
ذبابه وفيشه
طب 73 نقطه سوده على الحيطه تبقى ايه؟؟؟
يبقى البياض بتاع البيت بيقشر
حاجه رفيعه وطويله ولونها ابيض ايه هى؟؟؟
فتله بيضاء
طب حاجه رفيعه وطويله ولونها اسود ايه هى ؟؟؟
خيال الفتله البيضاء
ازاي نحط فيل في ازازة؟
نزقه فيها وهو بيشرب
ازاي نحط فيلين في ازازة من غير ما يلمسوا بعض؟
نحط بينهم فيل تالت
طب ازاي تركب 4 فيلة على بسكلته؟
واحد يسوق ويمسك الازازة
ازاى نركب اربع فيلة فى عربية فولكس
اتنين ورا واتنين ادام
طب8فيلة فى مرسيدس
نبيعهاونشترى عربيتين فولكس ويبقى اتنين ورا واتنين ادام
ازاى نصطاد الفيل الاحمر؟
ببندقية الفيل الاحمر
ازاى نصطاد الفيل الاخضر
نستنى لما يستوى ونصطاده ببندقية الفيل الاحمر
ازاى نصطاد الفيل الازرق؟
نكسفه وشه يحمر ونصطاده ببندقية الفيل الاحمر
دكتور اتجوز محامية خلفوا ولد يسموه ايه؟
احمد على اسم جده
ايه الفرق بين القلة والزير
فى فوازير ومافيش فوا قلة
ايه عكس كونكريت
لاتكن كريت
ايه عكس زمان
زا ومن (The Woman)
ازاي نحط فيل في الثلاجة على ثلاث مراحل؟
نفتح الثلاجة - ندخل الفيل في الثلاجة - نقفل الثلاجة
طب ازاي نحط زرافة في ثلاجة على اربع مراحل؟
نفتح الثلاجة - نخرج الفيل - ندخل الزرافة - نقفل الثلاجة
ماهو الشئ اللي ننام عليه ونجلس فوقه ونغسل اسناننا فيه؟
السرير والكرسي وفرشاةالاسنان
ماالذي له راسان و8 اقدام؟
كلبان
كيف نعرف ان 8 افيال موجودين داخل فندق شيراتون بدون ان تدخل الفندق؟
اذاوجدت 2 فولكس في مواقف الفندق
احترقت حديقة الحيوانات فاحترقت جميع الحيوانات التي
بها الا الزرافة لم تحترق...ليه؟
لاننا وضعنا الزرافة داخل الثلاجة
ايه اكتر حيوان مبيعرفش يستخبى ؟
الثعبان بان بان بان بان بان
طيب ايه اكتر حيوان بيسمع اغاني اجنبي ؟
الغراب راب راب راب راب راب
طيب ايه اكتر حيوان بيسيح في الحر ؟
تمساح ساح ساح ساح ساح
ليه مفيش ماتشات بتتلعب يوم الجمعة ؟
علشان الكورة مع دريم
ليه مفيش ماتشات بتتلعب يوم السبت ؟
علشان إعادة الكورة مع دريم
-سمعت نكتة الأسانسير ؟
- لأ
- يبقى اكيد كنت طالع على السلم
ليه مصر مش محتاجة بطاطين ؟
علشان اتصالات غطت مصر كلها
ليه السمك بيخاف من فودافون ؟
علشان اكبر شبكة
ليه الصعيدى بينزل الميه فى الشمس؟
عشان مش مشترك فى الأهلى
ليه الصعيدى بيلبس شرابات خضرا ؟
عشان خضرا لابسة شراباته
صعيدى واقف فى الشمس و معاه دودة ليه؟
عشات الدكتور قالله اقف فى الشمس دقائق معــدودة
لية الصعيدى بيحط خيارة تحت المخدة؟
عشان لو حط طمطماية هتتفعص
صعايدة فى غواصة غرقوا ليه؟
سمكة خبطت عليهم
5amas ferou2 bein el bata we el weza?
1.te2dar te7la2 sha3rak zalabata bas mayenfa3sh te7la2o zalaweza
2.fi ra7ela esmaha ebn batouta bas fahish ebn wazwouza
3.te2dar tebalbat fel ba7r bas mayenfa3sh teblez fih
4.kolena benet3'ata bebataneya fel sheta bas mabenet3'atash be wezaneya
5.el weza kanet zaman bata bas el shaytan wazaha
leih el 3'abi biyedfen nos gesmo fel ard?
bisawar video clip ana 3ayesh we mesh 3ayesh
eih el 7aga lama neda5alha gowa el freezer tesi7 we lama netala3ha tetgamed?
talga betestahbel!!!
ezay ne3raf law wa7ed magnoun fata7 el computer?
sab gebna gamb el mouse!!
leih el samaka bet5af men mobinil?
3shn mobinil akbar we akwa shabaka fe masr
eih no2tet el tashaboh bein el se3idi el zaki we superman?
el etnen 5ayal 3elmi
leih fel argentin mabiezra3oush teen?
3shn heya men el dowal el latineya
